Why Feedback Fails Before It’s Ever Spoken
- Tanesha Moody
- 19 hours ago
- 4 min read
Why Feedback Fails Before It’s Ever Spoken
Most leaders think feedback fails because of how it’s delivered.
Too blunt. Too soft. Too emotional. Too late.
But after years of coaching leaders, facilitating teams, and standing on stages talking about feedback, I’ve seen a different pattern emerge:
Most feedback fails long before the conversation ever happens.
Not because the leader didn’t care. Not because the feedback wasn’t valid. But because the conditions for feedback were never built.
Feedback doesn’t land in a vacuum. It lands inside a relationship, a culture, and a history.
And when that foundation is shaky, even well-intentioned feedback can miss the mark.
The Invisible Prerequisites of Feedback
Before we ever talk about how to give feedback, we have to talk about what makes feedback fair, receivable, and productive in the first place.
There are two prerequisites leaders often overlook:
Clear expectations
Relational deposits
When either one is missing, feedback becomes fragile.
Expectation Gaps: When Feedback Feels Personal Instead of Professional
One of the most common feedback breakdowns I see sounds like this:
“They should have known.”
But “should have known” is not an expectation. It’s an assumption.
When expectations are unclear, feedback often feels:
Arbitrary
Personal
Emotionally charged
For the person receiving it, the internal response isn’t curiosity — it’s confusion.
What exactly was expected? When did that standard apply? How was success defined?
Without clarity, feedback stops being information and starts feeling like judgment.
And that’s when defensiveness shows up.
Real-World Example
A manager gives feedback that an employee “needs to be more strategic.”
The employee hears:
“I’m not doing enough.” “I’m missing something, but I don’t know what.”
What’s missing isn’t effort. It’s specificity and shared definition.
This is why SAFE Feedback™ begins with S — Specific. Specificity doesn’t make feedback harsher. It makes it usable.
But even specificity can’t fully compensate for expectations that were never set.
The Role of Deposits: Feedback Has a Relational Balance Sheet
Feedback is relational currency.
Every relationship has a balance sheet — whether leaders acknowledge it or not.
Deposits look like:
Recognition
Trust
Follow-through
Fairness
Presence
Respect
When deposits are consistently made, feedback has room to land.
When deposits are scarce, feedback feels like a withdrawal the relationship can’t afford.
What Happens Without Deposits
When feedback arrives without a history of trust:
People question intent
Emotions spike
Motivation drops
Feedback gets mentally rejected — even if it’s accurate
This isn’t fragility. It’s self-protection.
Feedback requires vulnerability from both the giver and the receiver. And vulnerability doesn’t thrive in relational debt.
Why “Say It Nicer” Isn’t the Fix
When feedback goes poorly, leaders often respond by trying to soften their delivery.
But tone alone doesn’t solve:
Unclear expectations
Inconsistent standards
A lack of trust
A history of silence followed by sudden correction
This is why feedback training that focuses only on delivery often falls short.
You can say the hard thing kindly — and it can still fail — if the foundation wasn’t built.
SAFE Feedback™: Structure That Depends on Foundation
SAFE Feedback™ exists to give leaders a structured, human way to have feedback conversations that move people forward.
But SAFE is not a magic wand.
SAFE works best when:
Expectations are clear
Feedback is timely
Trust has been built
Growth is the shared goal
And when those conditions aren’t present, SAFE becomes a repair tool, not just a delivery framework.
This is an important distinction.
SAFE doesn’t force feedback to land. It creates the best possible conditions for it to be received.
Feedback Is a System, Not a Moment
One of the biggest mindset shifts leaders make when working with me is this:
Feedback is not a single conversation. It’s an ongoing system.
That system includes:
How expectations are set
How often feedback is normalized
How recognition is expressed
How mistakes are handled
How safety is modeled
When feedback only shows up during performance reviews or moments of frustration, it carries unnecessary weight.
When feedback is part of the culture, it feels informative — not threatening.
What Leaders Can Do Differently (Starting Now)
If feedback has been backfiring on your team, start here:
1. Make Expectations Explicit
Don’t assume clarity. Name standards. Define success. Revisit them often.
2. Build Deposits Before You Need Them
Recognition and trust are not “extras.” They’re infrastructure.
3. Address Things Earlier
Delayed feedback grows heavier with time. SAFE feedback works best when issues are still
small.
4. Treat Feedback as Information, Not Identity
This applies to both givers and receivers. Feedback is data — not a verdict.
Why This Matters More Than Ever
Today’s workplaces are complex, fast-moving, and emotionally loaded.
Leaders are navigating:
Burnout
Ambiguity
Hybrid teams
Rapid change
In that environment, feedback isn’t optional — but how it’s handled determines whether it fuels growth or erodes trust.
This is why feedback culture is no longer a “nice to have.” It’s a leadership competency.
A Resource If You Want to Go Deeper
I created a free SAFE Feedback™ guide for leaders who want a practical, human framework for feedback conversations that actually work.
And if feedback is a recurring challenge in your organization, this is the work I bring into teams through keynotes, trainings, and leadership development programs.
Closing Thought
Feedback doesn’t fail because people are too sensitive. It fails because leaders weren’t taught how to build the conditions for it to succeed.
When expectations are clear, and trust is present, feedback stops feeling like a threat — and starts doing what it was always meant to do: support growth.
